A different view of things.

I shouldn't be in a fantasy world. For years, I was always on the safe side. Not discovering something painful and always just think about feeling good. I wanted to be real, present, and moving, living. I want more intense feelings. I really wanted to talk to people about intense feelings I just felt. Talking about it is like a therapy to me. I engaged in BDSM.

When I was asked about a childhood sexual experience, I wasn't able to remember fully. I just made up some answers. Then he inflicted pain, I was so exposed, I can't do anything, I can't move. I was restrained, my hands were tied up to my ankles, my hair was pulled and I was spanked 15 times real hard that I curled up like a fetus. Then I felt shame, disgust, anger, self loathe. Because at that time, I remembered everything. I felt hot and cold at the same time. Fragments  that had been taken out from my memory  for 20 years. I had my first orgasm with a girl, when I was 6.

I felt eyes were judging me, scrutinizing every inch of my body, every thread of my memory. And I felt that I wanted to disappear. I closed my eyes to go to another happy world. But I was there, physically, emotionally, mentally, present.  What I did was shameful. And then I felt pain. I deserved to be punished because I had that childhood. But then, having that guilt can't free me. When I was at the verge of feeling just pure pain, I was screaming and crying. Unsure of what to do. Anticipating every move he was going to make. I wanted to safe word but I didn't. I'm about to reach whatever intense feeling I was longing to feel . I felt pain and suffering. I felt like a slut and a virgin at the same time. I wanted to be free, to express, to be open, vulnerable at that time. I felt pain, pure physical and emotional pain. If it's not about sex, then it just have to be pain. Not both pleasure or pain. I'll be free to do whatever I want. This is the real me. This is what I really wanted. To push limits. Submission.