Have you lost touch of reality? What is reality? How can you say you're living?

I desire to experience full joy of living, discover new things, discover and see the world, people, connect with them, understand them, interact with them. I want pleasant surprises, good life. I want to be in a convenient world. I also want power, control.

I felt that I existed billions of years ago. I can feel it, its strong, and calm at the same time. But I know I was just sleeping, peacefully, lullabied. No one woke me up. Then someone had the courage to wake me up and so I came to this world, this era, this generation. I feel that I'm destined to have this kind of thinking, this race, the way I react to things. And when I go deeper, I wonder if I'm also like this if I woke up million years ago. So I tried to internalize, reflect, meditate, and I still see myself like what I am right now. No one had been to the past, but I can feel it. I had more thoughts like this when I was younger. Then I tried to talk to my friends about it but no one seemed to understand. So, I stopped welcoming thoughts. I lost the connection to the universe. And now, I can barely open myself to feel the universe again. That's why I lost touch of reality. It became a taboo.